2.) Doc Helen-Before we left, Helen sent us an email warning us of a Cholera outbreak in one of the cities we were racing in. Last time I heard of cholera, Little Jimmy died while I was playing “Oregon Trail”. Yeah, you guys remember that! Apple IIe, fording rivers, and hunting buffalo… man that was a great game.

3.) Buffet food- If it isn’t straight up food poisoning or cholera that gives us the scoots (the trots, the runs, massive diarrhea, whatever you want to call it), the excessive quantity of oil used in food preparation sends the food on an intestinal roller coaster ride. Either way, it ends up a messy situation. (”WEEEEEEeeeeeeeeee…. BlahhBOOOM!”)

4.) Chinese Airlines- Climbing onto a 737 with extra seats crammed in to accomodate more people, with brittle yellow plastic that breaks when a certain tall American leans too hard, and taking off in 5th gear makes for an interesting and harrowing experience. Kind of like Ryan Air, but way sketchier and on 35 year old planes.

Having put off packing until about an hour before I had to leave for the airport, I forgot my foreign country medical kit. This leaves me with no bandages. I felt bad stealing Bernie’s out of his bag, so I asked Michelle to take me to the race doctor to get some bandages.

This is where things get annoying. Now I’m sure the doctor is trained in western medicine, but I think the Chinese version of western medicine is somewhat different than what I’m accustomed to. Doctor Helen, our trusted team doctor, always tells us to keep our road rash clean, covered, and moist. The wound will heal faster and with less pain.

In the race doctor’s room, I could see an open plastic bag sitting on the desk filled with gauze bandages. I asked him for some, and he said, “No, wash it with water and let it dry.” (May I reminded you that Chinese tap water is NOT clean, nor is it intended for cleaning open wounds, unless your goal is bacterial infection and a ticket to the beach.) I knew right then and there he simply didn’t want to give me any, so I decided I was going to be more stubborn about getting my bandages than he would be about keeping them from me. I wasn’t leaving his room empty handed.

After more of the “let it dry,” “no, keep it moist” back and forth, he finally reached into the bag and pulled one out. I thought he was going to hand it to me, so I grabbed it. After a brief tug-o-war, he snatched it back, so I snagged a different one from the bag and started to walk out of his room.

To my surprise, and with a little flair of anger, he said “is that all? Then go.”

Final Score:
Nick-1
Doctor-0

This entire episode lasted nearly 15 minutes.

There has GOT to be a better way to do this…

What I’m referring to is the disconnect, via layers of middlemen, between the race organization and the teams. Each team is assigned a liason, usually an English student, to facilitate getting anything done. They pass down all the commandments from the race organization (a.k.a. The Man Behind the Human Curtain), all of which have unreasonable deadlines. But since they must obey EVERYTHING their superiors demand (a cultural difference you cannot possibly belive until you visit China), we have to hurry and complete meaningless tasks such as filling out passport information cards. And FAST.

All conspiracy theories aside, I think the liaisons are probably spies for The Man (like failing to hand meal tickets to the buffet police). All of this intel is probably passed on to yet another layer of The Human Curtain for tracking and archiving purposes, giving jobs to dozens more people.

A task as simple as collecting room keys in the morning becomes a gigantic hasstle as inevitably someone loses one, and an ensuing yelling/hyper-ventilating/shirt-tugging suession results in our liaison crying and going empty handed to the room key police (al layer between the hotel guest and the hotel’s front desk personnel).

This trip, we finally have a liaison that is truly helpful. A second year English student in the university, Michelle is both helpful and understands our jokes (kind of!). She understands that Danny is rarely ever angry, he’s just crazy, and she thinks he is very nice. She also understands that we will accomplish the meaningless tasks The Man wants completed, and that she doesn’t need to freak out on us to get it done. Last night, we spent 45 minutes talking to Michelle about her favorite American TV shows (Prison Break, Gossip Girls, and Sex & The City). If your company is in need of a Chinese translator, she would be a fantastic help. She’s also learning Japanese.

All part of racing in China!

PS. JPows- Kiel pegged your Ukrainian nemesis with a bottle the other day. He was being a dick. Kiel got him good.

At each hotel we are given little paper meal tickets. We are required to hand them in to gain entry to the buffet. I’m convinced they are nothing more than a way for the government to monitor how much we’re eating. Well, since we are cyclists with no real responsiblities other than sleeping, eating, and riding, we always seem to forget them. We are forced to come up with ingenious ways of sneaking past the ticket takers, most of which fall short.

“Defcon 6, defcon 6, the Americans are sneaking in without tickets. We must intercept them at the buffet and hasstle them.”

It’s all fun and games until lunch after a stage, where we have to pass through the “human curtain” (more on this tomorrow) to merely find our hotel, much less get our rooms or meal tickets.

I was told in international bizness classes to be patient with other cultures. That went out the window as soon as the boy at the door tried to stand between me and the buffet (ask my mom what happens when I’m hungry, she’ll tell you) by blocking the door to the hall, I smacked his hand. Huff asked me “did you just slap that guys hand?” We were in, but heavily tailed by the buffet police. Soon the manager came up, and in very good English said I needed to give him my ticket. With an icy glare I shot out “It’s your fault I don’t have my ticket. This establishment is so disorganized you couldn’t even tell us where our rooms were. CLEARLY I’m a cyclist.” Then I went back to piling mystery meat on my plate. Huff pulled him aside and said we’re with the American team.

Later we heard from the Human Curtain that the organization is very angry we don’t give the buffet police our tickets.

There has GOT to be a better way to do this…

Nick Reistad is running for the USPro Rider Representative on the USAC Board of Trustees. Vote for Nick!

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[.mov] Download the show (mov).

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[iTunes] Subscribe to the Podcast directly in iTunes.
[RSS] Add the Missingsaddle Interviews Podcast feed to your RSS aggregator and have the show delivered automatically.
[.mov] Download the show (mov).